Forever is not long enough

1 year ago today, our adoption was finalized! Me, Jason, and Aiden were a forever family in the eyes of the courts. That day was full of relief, excitement, and a feeling of peace. Aiden has been a member of our family before he was born. Before he was even a thought, we dreamed of him. I had little shoes stashed away and hidden in a box in the closet along with a hat. These dreams were shoved way in the back to keep my emotions at bay, to keep the over excitable Nicole at bay. 
Then, he arrived and our whole world changed. I tried to stay calm to realize things could change too quickly, to try to remind myself this could be fleeting happiness but I looked into his eyes and I knew this would be my forever child no matter the circumstances. Then, May 6 arrived. We showed up to court and sat with another family. They had about 12 people in their with them. For us, it was me, Jason, and Aiden.... and that felt right. It has been the 3 of us since. I feel like we have this magical bond that only we understand. When we cuddle aiden a little too much, or when we make hard decisions about what is best for our family, or when we just sit and twist his curls in our hands and thank God for him, or when he is running around like a lunatic  and we look at each other and say wow we are the luckiest parents in the world. 
Our forever day was a just few hours in our little world but that is the day that we got to know what we had felt in our hearts since we heard his heart beat for the very first time from inside J's belly. We knew that we would be a family. All of us dysfunctional, funny, caring, tired, happy, and perfect. Happy forever day Aiden. You can never imagine they joy you have brought to us. 

The timeline (short version) 

Born 12/31/2014 at 6:38 am after 24+ hours of J laboring and no food! We were all starving and super sleepy until this bundle of joy finally arrived and we forgot all else! 

 Home from the hospital 1/1/2015 Happy New Year photo shoot at the house in the nursery with Bella MeMe. Hated pictures was cold and grumpy but happy to be in mama and dada arms!






Aiden Baptism at the catholic church 04/2015

 Aiden adoption finalization in Charleston on 5/6/2015! Already busting out of 6 month clothes and about ready to hit a major growth spurt! Really started smiling the last month.

 3 month photo shoot! Found his tongue and lips and loved to stick out his tongue. Still love his paci and hates photo shoots! 

 6 month photo shoot (left) Love those chubby thighs!
9 month photo shoot (right) starting his obsession with our Bella which would be his first true word (beyond mama, dada, and baba)

 Boys who love cake this much eat two birthday cakes!!! Birthday party with J and family!! Finally got to meet all of the birth family grandmas and great grandmas and uncles and aunts :0

 1 year birthday party at home! It's cold outside but inside with my cake I am happy as can be! 

1 year photo shoot. It might not look like pure bliss to you but to us it is everything!

Don't Forget About Me

Don't Forget About Me
I'm Still Here

Don't forget about me 

when you become a mother 

because other men and women 

still need your truth

Don't forget about me 

when you post pregnancy jokes, timelines, 

and conception plans on Facebook because 

1 in 8 of your friends knows my name

Don't forget about me

when you choose how to fulfill your dream 

because I am your common 

thread to the 7.4 million women 

that are walking the parallel paths

Don't forget about me 

on Infant Loss Remembrance Day 

because the children I allowed in your womb 

were there for a reason, 

remember that reason, remember that love

Don't forget about me

because I taught you sorrow, 

loss, grief, depression, survival, and empathy

Don't forget about me 

Because I AM STILL HERE

I am with him too... I am in her mind... I am within this home's walls

They need you to remember me. 

They need your story so they can know....

I GIVE AS MUCH AS I TAKE

Don't forget about me
My name is INFERTILITY
And I am still here. 

Adoption (the noun, verb, not an adjective)

Today I googled adoption...
Here is what came up on google

There are so many things wrong with this simple definition that are incorrect and insensitive. I expected a little bit more from google! 

Adoption

noun, verb

The process whereby a person assumes the parenting of another, usually a child, from that person's biological or legal parent or parents, and, in so doing, permanently transfers all rights and responsibilities, along with filiation, from the biological parent or parents. (thanks Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adoption) 

Sample sentence
"She created an adoption plan for her children" 

Also please note that adoption or adopted is not a adjective (even on google who were not very politically correct). There is no such thing as an adopted child. It is a child that was adopted. (Also note the past tense, the adoption happens once. It is not something that is current.) 

Adoption is a wonderful excited part of my life. Something that will shape mine and my children's lives but please be sensitive. Learning the proper language is the only way that we can continue to have open dialogue, safe and respectful adoptions, and continued well being for children and families created through adoption.

What do you think of the definition of adoption? What would you add or change?

Is social media allowed to have my intimate stories?

Getting ready to start blogging I have been doing a lot of research and looking at blogs again to get ideas and motivations. This morning on the way to work Kidd Kraddick in the Morning was talking about a recent Instagram model that came out with a new video debunking all of her videos and pictures talking about how it is not real, it is all put on, takes her hours to edit and get just right. There was another post last night that is going viral about how Facebook pictures are lying and that you cannot see the story behind them just the happy faces. Thus leading to this blog idea. I love sharing details of our lives, stories, inspirations but at the same time people come up and they say oh my gosh you are a saint for surviving, you are so inspirational. These are nice compliments but not the truth. I will throw down some truths and then leave you with a final question

TRUTH 1: 
When you saw me after our failed adoption and I smiled and said everything is ok. God has a plan what I should have said is I had not gotten out of bed in a week, my husband had to drag me to the shower because I smelled so bad (sorry sweetie). I had not been in church in over 6 months because I struggled with the idea of a good God when everything was a mess in my life. I felt slighted (not true it turns out) but I was struggling. 



TRUTH 2: (brace yourself this one is Nicole at her rudest)
Recently, you saw me in the clinic laughing with a patient when he asked me why I adopted "Are you infertile because that is the only way I would adopt because I would want my own kids" so I turned around and said "How big is your package?" He looked at my flabbergasted I said, the intimate details of my genitala are none of your business and neither is yours mine. He laughed but it made sense to him and he apologized. Good thing him and I have a good relationship LOL. What you did not see is that I cried on the way home out of the frustration of the idea that your own children have to pushed out of your lady parts. Come on people love is love and if you do not understand that then just keep your opinions to yourself. 


TRUTH 3: 
You see pictures with our birth mother and we are all happy and giddy. What you do not see is we are all happy but the is a dark ocean below our story that is difficult and swallows me whole sometimes. I struggle but not for the reasons everyone thinks. I struggle because I love J so much that I do not want her not to be a part of our daily lives (oh lord that double negative makes it confusing). I have no desire for her to be a once a year visit, I want more for her and Aiden. I struggle because most people do not and will not ever understand that. I struggle because I do not understand why I do not feel like the adoptive mother over here or the mom over there. My emotions are mine but I safe guard them on here and in my daily life because I am scared of your opinions. 

Here is what I will leave you with....
When are you the dramatic social media person that everyone deletes because they lay their whole life out on Twitter, Facebook, SnapChat, etc for the world to see and sympathize with them?

AND

When am I lying and only showing you the good parts of my life? 

Where is the happy medium of truth and selective truth?
I think it is here. With each picture I see or message I read I say a prayer for the people struggling and I wish the people that look happy the continued best day! I think we keep an open dialogue and allow people to share when they feel comfortable and allow them to keep things private when they need to (aka do not ask for information when it is not appropriate like a child is around or it is a private question and you have to asked them if this level of intimacy is ok). This develops trust and with more trust people in the adoption and infertility community will feel more safe to share their story and situations when appropriate to help build our community. 

Welcome to My Adoption Family

I have been waiting for a long time to post this blog. It is hard sometimes to decide when it is time to post and when I should wait. I do not want my whole life or Aiden's whole birth story on the internet but I do love sharing all the things I have learned. Today, one of patient's friends got a call and her son and and daughter in law got THE call that a potential birth mother is in labor and they are to go to the hospital right now. My heart began to race for them, prayers started rolling out of my mouth, and now sitting in private at lunch tears are filling my eyes. I remember every moment of our journey for Aiden and I pray that this family has a magical experience over the next few days, months, and years of their child's life! The journey is not easy but the journey is worth it. So everyone reading this send a prayer up for their family today! With that said here is the actual blog post (that I have been holding hostage for months now)

I met Nick through a mutual friend that recommended he come to physical therapy with me. As I was treating him I was yammering on about my life (Like I have been known to do) and adoption came up. Nick and his wife (who I did not know at the time) created their family through adoption as well. He shared his story with me and I was so moved and touched. Little did I know this day would change my life! As we went through the adoption process with Aiden there were some scary bumps in the road. We thought possibly he would not be our forever child. I was devasated, I cried a lot, prayed a lot, CURSED A LOT (LOL), and I talked to my family and friends a lot. When my son was awake, I played with him, put on a happy face and snuggled with him like no tomorrow because I did not know if there would be a tomorrow. When I talked to family I brushed things off like they were no big deal. I did not want our family to feel more agony than necessary but also it was hard for me to hear their words of comfort. Everyone was saying things like "No way they will take him away from you" "You can give him a better home than they can" and many other personal statements. Everyone meant well but that is not how I felt. I am not going to go into details but suffice it to say watching our birth mother walk out of the hospital just about killed me and still does every time I think of her which is daily. I love her pure and simple. (please do not ever question that from me)

On one particular bad day I was doing my hyperventilating cry (anyone that knows me well has heard it) and I thought I cannot do this anymore. I found myself looking up Nick's number and dailing it! Which is INSANE, I do not know this guy I met him once!!!! He answers and I say, "Can I talk to your wife!" Who I have never met, no idea who she is, what she is like. I tell him about what is going on, all of it, it opens like flood gates and he lets me talk to Tracey, my angel. She talks to me for over 90 minutes. She tells me to love my son, to not pull away. She also tells me that it is okay if he is placed with his potential birth father. She tells me that my love in the first months of his life will shape his life forever and that is okay I did the job God wanted me to do. We ended our call with a prayer. I felt peace like a weight had been removed. I am not going to lie, I cried again the next day too and our journey did not end there but Tracey told me what I needed to hear. She said something no one else would say to me. She said Aiden may leave and it would be ok. 

I get a lot of questions every day about adoption, what it is like, how do I feel about creating my family through adoption, and so on. This is what I know, no one will ever understand adoption except for another adoption family. They know the things to say, the moments to say them, and the love to wrap around you. I thank God every day that I had Tracey that day. She saved me, my soul, and my family whether she will ever truly know that or not. 
So, if you are adopting, thinking of adopting, have adopted... so on and so forth WELCOME TO MY ADOPTION FAMILY! Whatever you need whenever I am here! Blog me, Facebook me, I will give you my number! The story of Tracey is an amazing one for me but not unlike the rest of the adoption community (not that you are not special Tracey because you and Nick are truly one of a kind). I have met countless amazing people with wonderful, inspiring stories that have prayed with me and for me and my family throughout journey. We all need each other at times near or far. My adoption family is one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I want to share it with all of you! 

Aiden Murphy on his FOREVER day 5-6-2015

Deja Vu: Living the Life Meant for You

I am at a time in my life where I have waited a long time for a lot of the dreams that are now coming to fulfillment. I have these weird feelings several days when I wake up to Aiden snoring or at night when he is splashing around in the tub! These feelings of deja vu, this feeling like I know what is going to happen next or I have been in this precise moment before. It feels like it was always supposed to be this way, a part of my heart has healed. It is not just feeling our family fulfilled it is feeling at home in a lot of aspects of my life.
Well, the time of my 1/2 distance Toughman Triathlon felt like it was building for a long time and then I was chilling on the crest of the wave waiting for the crash (and hopefully not a real crash).

The week started with my first true "Lord help me" mom moment. My parents, Jason, and Aiden were planning on coming to the race and plans just were not working out like we had originally thought. The weather looked looming, it was a long drive, you know how this story goes. Well I find myself bawling my eyes out in my car one day because I cannot imagine not seeing Aiden for that long and how stupid am I to have signed up for this race, LOL you also know how this saga goes! It turned out just fine Aiden, Jason, my mom, and dad all made it down Friday night, cheered me on all day Saturday, all is right with the world I did not have to go into crazy mom mode! 

Saturday was beautiful. The 80% rain and severe thunderstorms rolled off the radar and it was a beautiful, partly sunny day! Jaclyn and I did our jog dive into the reservoir about 7:30 in the morning. I swam out 1, 2, 3, breath 1, 2, 3 breath sight ... hit the first orange bouy and around we go 1, 2, 3 breath 1, 2, 3 breath sight and so on. All I can see is the blue swim caps ahead of me I cannot sight the second orange bouy yet so I follow the masses. 1, 2, 3 breath 1, 2, 3 breath sight finally  I see the last bouy and it all comes washing over me so fast. I felt like I had seen this before ( I had not) I knew in that instant that I was going to finish the race that day. I felt safe. I felt I was right where I was supposed to be. This feeling happened 2 more times that day once when I passed a tree on the bike the way the branch curled reminded me of something I had seen before again The Peace Feeling. Then on the run, my dad decided to run the last loop with me (Thank goodness!) I had never seen the run course but on the second loop we had to go to a deeper portion of the park. The whole time on the run I felt like I was going to run around a baseball diamond as we entered the latter part of the run there was a fenced in area in the park that was the baseball diamond I had been waiting on. It was so bizzarre. It was so amazing! It was more than I could have ever imagined! Things happened on the course that are unspeakable (peeing a lot of peeing LOL) but also amazing feats of perseverance and strength were demonstrated by all of the athletes! But all in all... 

I finished my 70.3 (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, 13.1 mile run)! 

At the finish line was... 

my training partner Jaclyn who without I would have never been able to complete this feat

 my team mates who endured beside me that day and allowed me to join the 70.3 club with them 

my parents who have told me for years to exercise that it would level my head and help me feel better now I finally get what they were saying

(scary I am admitted my parents know a lot)

my husband who's dedication to our marriage and our family is unparalleled 

and my son who is the one person that all this is for. It is to teach him he can do anything as long as it is for his happiness, for his peace, and for the betterment of himself! 

I cannot thank everyone in my life enough for making all these possible! Thank you for helping me continue to appreciate my gifts and for continuing to help nourish myself, my marriage, my faith, and my family. 
The whole race felt like deja vu... Which allows me to ask what do you feel when you are living the life that was meant for you? Is it deja vu because you are syncing with the life that God always planned for you? 

Reason for the Season

I was going to post this on Mother's Day but needed to check some things before I posted the information.... So here is the Mother's Day post! 

Christmas is the big holiday where you will see a lot of posts, articles, etc about remembering the reason for the season. Remembering that it is not just a big celebration of gifts but there is a bigger meaning. The same can be said for Mother's Day.

This day is day to celebrate the greatest creations that are in our lives, our children. It is to remind us that all of the messes, the late nights, houses littered with toys, all of mistakes, and triumphs are worth it because they are helping to mold our children. It is also a day when our kids and spouses take time to say Mom, we love you and you are awesome! Which let's be honest in the day to day grind sometimes we all forget to give credit ( I know I forget to tell my spouse how amazing he is!) This is day is more than making sure you have a gift waiting for you. This day should be about the simple things and taking those simple things and letting them fill your heart so the time you are frustrated you remember the look on your kiddos face when he handed you his messy painting or the first time they bought you a card on their own.






The second thing, this day is about since I am an adoptive mother is our son's other mother. Saturday before Mother's Day is Birth Mother's Day. It is a day to remember the reason that you have the joy to be a mother. It is a day to celebrate your birth mother. No matter the level of your adoption open to closed and all things in between. Sit down with your child, tell them what you know about the birth family if anything. This is a day to celebrate but also do not remember that this is a day that our birth mothers are reminded of the fact that they are mother's too! So send them a message, send them a gift, go and visit but just remember that no matter what they have given you an amazing gift. J gave me the gift to be a mother. I will be forever in her debt. I smile everyday at Baby A because I am blessed. 



Today is the day I celebrate being a mother and I also celebrate J! I celebrate all of the Mother's out there! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!