Induced Lactation AKA Adoptive Breastfeeding Part 1

My Journey of Adoptive Breastfeeding is just now beginning but I will share it with all of you! 

I love Art Journaling, mine typically is not very pretty and a lot of times I reuse other images that inspire me. Through journaling and following other blogs is where this journey truly begins...

Who are birth mothers?

What a tough topic... I am sure I will not do it justice but after countless conversations with many people I think it is time to address! Jason and I have not been able to meet our birth mother yet. The plan is to meet here sometime in the next month. The relationship with a birth mother whether you meet or not is difficult. This is my true, hard to write and hard to say feelings. The whole aspect of adoption feels like a competition in all the wrong ways sometimes. You want your book to get chosen while at the same time you know this means other friends, wonderful couples that are in the process are not getting chosen. If you think about it too much, it can destroy you. The other part is saying you are the best mother. No mother or father are the best, you are just hopefully the best you can be. It is hard to proceed through adoption and know other people are constantly comparing this family with that family. 
Birth Mothers are amazing women. They are mothers just like I will be a mother. She is not any more or less a "real" mother than I will be. As we have went through the adoption process, I follow adoption blogs as well as birth mother blogs. One of the major blogs getting a lot of attention is Musings of the Lame. This is a blog written from a birth mother prospective. It is a heart wrenching story that she tells. Here is what I have gathered so far about my feelings about who birth mothers are...
1. Courageous... and not because they are making an adoption plan for their child but because they wake up every day and deal with their feelings head on. This is something majority of us we will never have the courage to do.
2. Intelligent. It is such a misconception that education dictates who raises a child. Education comes in multiple different ways. My great grandmother completed I think 3 years of formal education and she was a very intelligent woman. She assisted in raising my mother and she turned out beautifully. Intelligence is dictated by who you are. Never assume a birth mother is not intelligent.  
3. All different ages. People are constantly asking us, Is your birth mother young? I am not sure what they mean. There are birth mother of a variety of ages. Again, age does not dictate who is a birth mother. Everyone has a picture of a 16 year old that had a baby with their high school sweet heart. This is a scenario that can occur but there are a lot of different scenarios, keep your mind open. 
4. Sacred. As adoptive families we need remember and celebrate the scared the relationship with a birth family. Maintain open relationships and lines of communication whenever it is safe for your child. Even though, yeah it is the scariest thing ever for me as an adoptive mother to share the love my life, my son. I know that it is what he deserves. The more the merrier sound cliche but my son having two mothers and two fathers will never change how much he loves us it will only grow his heart larger and teach him how to love more deeply.  
5. Mothers. I hope my son will know his birth family in some aspect. I continue to refer to them as birth family but I truly believe they are as much of a family as we are. It is up to our son to decide his relationship with them but I will support him through whatever he chooses. From now on, I am going to try to refer to Baby W's birth mother as Mother S. The Musings of the Lame has a wonderful article about the pros and cons of the use of the term birth mother. 

I hope this helps give a better view of birth mothers for those people around me. I know it is not politically correct and their are a lot of holes I forgot to fill but I hope that this blog and topic show where I am at right now. I am learning and I hope together we can all learn more about respect for all types of mothers. I will leave you with this final thought that has kept me awake at night on occasion... What has a greater stigma in our society, a woman who has an abortion or a woman that creates an adoption plan for their child? ( this is not a pro life, pro choice debate (I literally have no education or opinion), this is a think about how it feels to be a (birth)mother debate)

Nursery Highlight: Make Room for the Bed!

You know that feeling when you go on a shopping spree or you go junkin' then get home and think "Crap, Where is all this going?" Well, that is how I felt today as I put the crib up, but have no fear we will not be buying a new house; we made the crib fit so our mortgage will stay the same! 
My Grandma Hollingsworth has helped us out tremendelously as we prepare for the baby. First things first,"she said "You need a dishwasher." So for Christmas, she bought Jason and I a dishwasher which will come in handy with all the baby bottles and accessories that will need sanitized. 

We hate doing dishes! 

Then, she decided she would buy him the crib and mattress. I got a great steal at Target on a crib that had been returned (yes it is safe and all the parts are there). 


If any of you know my grandma, what does she say to do with any leftover money rather than return it to her? She says "get whatever else you need". Well, I used the term need a little loosely but... 





 who does not need a jacket with a cape?

 baskets for the bottom of the closet to accumulate junk;)
 of course a book on how to become a beloved owl! 

"Just Say No" but is that the right choice for adoption?

D.A.R.E has been empowering children for years to say no to drugs. Rightfully so, I might add. So, much to my

surprise on our matching sheet there was multiple questions about birth parent drug use both mother and father, as well as drug exposure and drug addiction in infants. Jason and I immediately responded no to all drugs, to alcohol we marked stopped once she was aware of conception, and for tobacco we wrote uses on occasion. I went and met with our lawyer and she began to explain so many things that I was missing. Of course, Jason and I wanted to keep open every door possible but at the same time we want to make sure that we are able to provide an environment safe and appropriate for the infant coming home with us. After talking with the lawyer, I went home and hit the books, the internet, and the phone. I called and spoke with a neonatologist in Indianapolis and spoke with our choice of pediatrician locally. I looked on pubmed and read numerous abstracts regarding drug exposed and drug addicted infants. I decided to list out the basics of what I have learned from the numerous resources. I apologize that I have not linked a lot of the information because honestly I got so deep that I forget where information even originated from. 

Here are some fun facts and resources...

A. The difference between drug exposure and drug addicted is simply the amount of times the infant is exposed to drugs, alcohol, or tobacco in utero. I believe our agency said drug exposed would be 3-5x throughout a duration of a pregnancy, drug addiction is typically 1x per week or more. Either a drug exposed child or drug addicted can go through withdrawal symptoms. Typically, the umbilical cord of a drug exposed child would demonstrate significant less toxicity than a drug addicted infant. 

B.  "Ira Chasnoff, M.D., the nation’s leading researcher of the outcomes of children who were prenatally exposed to drugs, comments that many foster and adoptive parents have gone through long periods with difficult, drug-exposed infants who have eventually become well-adjusted children.

One of the strongest indicators of a positive outcome in children are the child’s caregivers. A recent study by Bergin and McCullough in Infant Mental Health Journal followed babies whose mothers had used substances and babies whose mothers did not use substances. The prenatal drug exposure did not play a role in how the babies attached to their primary caregiver. What did play a role was the nurturing, stimulating and stable environment of the babies. Care giving does make a difference in helping children reach their maximum potential for learning and socializing." Adoption Connection

The Home Study

Finally! Our home study was completed this past Friday. 

There had been so many reschedules and conflicts but it is finally complete.

I have a lot of people ask, "What is involved in a home study?" We wondered the same thing. On Friday, we opened the door for Kevin, our agency rep and so many things crossed my mind... Will he notice the glue that exploded when I was modge podging that I never sanded off, our cabinets really need repainted, there is a bottle of wine on the table will you think we drink too much??? I would have went really crazy but Jason settled me down and said be realistic he is not going to care, we just have to have a good home to raise a child. So here is the breakdown of how the home study played out then I will share more ooey gooey feelings about the process!
1. Called Kevin to remind him that our town is weird and driveways are in the back of the house so now he has to navigate the swamp from the melted snow at the front of the house when he comes.
2. Knock Knock! Kevin is here which we already knew because we had been staring slyly out the window for the last 20 minutes like we were waiting for Santa Clause

3. Kevin comes in and makes himself at home and lays out his paperwork and starts talking to us. It was really casual; we actually talked about sports, health care act but also day care plans, health insurance for the baby, square footage of our home, how many children we want overall, a few basic questions that showed we understand what is required for a baby such as diapers, feeding schedule, etc.
4. Tour of the house. We showed Kevin all of the rooms and closets. For the first child, you need 40 sq feet in Illinois for every child after that you need 30 sq feet of living space. So the idea that I was worried our house was not large enough was kinda erroneous.
5. Then Kevin asked Jason and I to split up and answer questions separately. This is the part I was dreading but honestly if you feel comfortable with your agency it really is no big deal. Jason and I do not need each other every conversation we have to talk about adoption or our life goals so I do not know why I thought we did then? Comfort I guess. I do not know if the questions change for people but we were asked
       a. Who was your role model growing up?
       b. Who is driving the adoption; you, your spouse, or both?
       c. What is the most important thing you have done in your life?
       d. What is the most important quality you possess?
I feel like there was a couple more but you know how you get nervous in interviews and poof you forget what happened.
6. Talked a little bit more about specific questions that we have about adoption, the process, the agency, really whatever you wanted to ask. The home study is a lot of time focused on being one on one and getting your questions answered so you feel comfortable once you are selected.

Overall, the home study was EASY! I know that different agencies differ but overall it is not a white glove test. It really is whether or not your home is ready for a child. You should ask your agency beforehand about the requirements. For example, our agency requires your home be child proofed for the age of child you are receiving. Jason and I are doing an infant adoption therefore we did not need baby gate, cabinet locks ,etc because the infant will not be able to get into those items until later in life. Our agency checked carbon monoxide and smoke detectors, water heater, and electrical outlets to make sure everything was up to code. Overall, we passed. We have completed all of the preliminary steps for adoption now. All of this paperwork will be good for 4 years except the fingerprints have to be re taken every 2 years.
The home studies overall are a costly expense and really ours took about an hour. The cost comes from the paperwork that is completed later. There is a lot of time spent by the agency getting state, DCFS, and FBI clearances. The document they submit is about 50+ pages ( I think is what the agency explained). They really gather a lot of information about you in a short amount of time that is then put into writing. In the state of Illinois, a home study does not have to be completed until before an adoption is finalized so really you can have a child placed with you without having yet completed your home study. But ours is done now so NO FEAR!


The holidays are upon us. Remember the reason for the season and share love for and with your neighbor. You never know who needs help or a little extra hug this time of year!

Help! How can I be a good, supportive friend????

When I got married these two lovely women stood by my side, when I was stressed throughout college these two women made me laugh, and when I had a miscarriage they showed up at the hospital even though it was over a 2 hour drive and they both had to work. When I was mean they lovingly dealt with it and then like the great friends they told me when it was time to grow up. (I mean that seriously in the best light). So many of the women in my life were not trying to have a baby and most of them (or so I thought) were not struggling with infertility but still some very special people in my life stepped up, got educated, and have held not only my hand but Jason's too. Now is my time to say thank you. So this post is for all the friends out there that want to be amazing but just have no idea what to say or not to say. 

Let's deal with infertility first...

1. Listen and occasional say it sucks! One of my favorite conversations was one where I was bawling my eyes out and my friend replied "you are right this is not fair and it sucks." She really was genuinely mad too. I do not know why but this made me laugh and feel not so alone. I never expected any of my friends to have the answers, I just needed someone to listen, laugh, and then pretend I never had my crazy moment. 
2. Remember her on Mother's Day (and him on Father's Day)! These holidays are important to times to just send a text, email, or send a prayer to the Big Man upstairs. It lets your friend know the moment is not lost on you. I got texts simple as  "Thinking of you today" and one a little deeper "Celebrating you being a mother in your heart" All of it was sweet. Also if your friend does not reply or acknowledge it does not mean it did not mean the world to her/ him. 
3. Never say stop stressing, have more sex, maybe it's not meant to be, or any other negative advice. People have the best hearts but sometimes what comes out of their mouths does not match. I got a lot of "If you did not work so far away it would be less stressful and I bet you would get pregnant" "Just relax" Infertility is a diagnosis that means it has been longer than 12 months without conception. This is not stress related! Other things such as "It must not be meant to be" or comments about God choosing are not helpful. Please just refer to item 1. 

Here is some other writings with more input but those are my big ones especially #1. 

Information on infertility questions!

On to adoption...

1. Listen just like before but now it is time to get educated too. Below are a couple of websites with listings on books to read. I would recommend reading a book on parenting an adopted child (there are differences that cannot be overlooked), a book on the general adoption process, and a book from the prospective of a child that has been adopted. 

http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com

2. Do not think pregnancy/biology is the end game. Two common occurrences when you are adopting is a. Have you tried IVF, surrogacy, fertility treatments, fill in the blank? and b. I know family Bob down the street that adopted and then got pregnant so maybe that will happen. Adoption is our way of having a family. Not all families pursue adoption because of infertility. Our reason is because of infertility but we also chose to stop our journey where we felt comfortable which was fairly early on. Each family goes on their own journey and this is a private part of the decision. With pregnancy after adoption, studies show that the statistics are the same as parents that are able to become pregnant with or without adoption after struggling with infertility. We appreciate your stories of adoption but these specific types of stories negate that our family that is created through adoption will be a family as deep as blood, DNA, birth, etc. 

3. Be happy and excited for the family. Imagine the reaction you have when your best friend or even an acquaintance says "I'm pregnant". Well I am a very giggly and overly excited person so I jump up and down, ask about the due date, gender, etc. Adoptive parents love the same reaction. Most of the time, we do not know the answers to when are you getting a baby. The average adoption takes 24 months. We usually do not know the gender and it is not appropriate to ask about race but what we do know is that we are going to be a family! Yay! So be excited! 

Here are some more websites with topics and answers to questions that is more in depth and more eloquent than me. 

Information on adoption questions!

Information on the adoption and infertility questions!

I really hate telling people what to say but especially what not to say. When you are going through any journey you have to realize again that people are well meaning but sometimes just say the wrong things. I know I have said the wrong things to people. I never thought how offensive it was to ask a couple when are you going to have children until I went through this journey. All in all just support and love the people in your life that are going through this challenge! Here is one of the most amazing things that my two best friends for me. Enjoy another highlight of the nursery. 

Alphabet wall for above the crib. They individually painted each letter to match my theme. It was my first baby gift!

My friends are helping me sew curtains, pillows, changing table covers and helped me shop for furniture and fabric for the room. Get involved and show your friends that you love them! Thank you to my great friends (and family) not only the ones featured here but also the others that you will hear about along my journey

Nursery Room HighLights: Modern Charm

Decorating the nursery has been so much fun for Jason and I. The one thing I wanted about my home  is that every room tells a story; the nursery is no different. I want my child to grow up with every piece in their room having a meaning/ spawning a memory. I think shopping locally is one of the ways to make pieces meaningful. I have bought several pieces at a wonderful shop in Terre Haute, IN called 

Modern Charm. . Their Facebook page has great updates on their products but you really have to check it out in person. Continue to buy local. It is important to support local businesses and continue to grow our community. So here is the fun stuff that I have so far bought up from the local artists featured at Modern Charm. 

This is going to be framed most likely by the rocking chair or over the bookshelf. The Collective Letter Press is a company in Bloomington, IN. They use actual antique letter presses for some of their creations. What a great creative local company, with a great message!

Who doesn't love different colorful stuffed animals to decorate a window seat. These little guys made their debut in another post with our niece and nephew. The red owl is from a company called Bean Blossom. The yellow and gray owl is from a new artist that I saw at the Covered Bridge festival and the next week she was at Modern Charm as well. The elephant was created by A Twisted Thread.

I also purchased some burp cloths. So cute and they have so many great kids products. Check them out at etsy, online, or Modern Charm. bobaloo!

I have along the way purchased some really cute baby shower gifts here as well. So if you get a chance and are local check it out!

I leave you all with a last little paragraph about decorating a nursery when you are adopting... there is about 50/50 split on whether to decorate a nursery or not. I know you have heard me say this before but again "DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT TO YOU!" We love adding pieces to nursery throughout our process. It is hard to find items that are truly gender neutral which is also why it is hard to have a baby registry. Some couples or individuals that are adopting may struggle if they start decorating a nursery. You really need very little to bring a baby home so if you do not want to start a nursery yet don't worry your baby is not messing out on anything. The will have all of the comforts and necessities with somewhere to sleep, something to eat, a few onsies and sleepers, and a loving parent(s). We feel closer on our journey with each piece we add to the nursery and it really brings us great joy right now. Our baby is already growing in our heart, in our life, so we figure why not in our home;) 

Thirsty Thursday (2)

What is better than friends, good conversation, and laughter that makes your cheeks hurt??? Absolutely nothing... which is why I missed Thirsty Thursday on actually Thursday. I apologize! But thought I would cover some fun topics now instead. I am sure people are thirsty on Friday as well ;) 

Fun Fact 1

The cost of adoption is a private matter.

I would say that most of us adults would agree that large financial decisions whether it be buying a car, a house, paying a medical bill, and yes adoption are conversations between families. That being said all of the adoptive families that I have talked with (ourselves included) love to answer questions and share the joys of adoption (you never know who might be inspired). A common theme across adoption blogs and in our class was how to deal with the question, "How much did your baby cost". Here are a couple solutions/ suggestions

If you are an adoptive parent

a. Have a business card and when someone corners you asking lots of questions, simply hand them the card and say you would love to discuss any of the topics of adoption in the future (this was great advice from our education class)

b. Refer to item c below :) and remember people are just curious about your journey. Sometimes people can be openly rude but 99% of the time they simply do not understand

If you are curious about adoption/ even just our adoption

a. Simply say (privately) I am interested in your adoption process, I was wondering if you would be willing to share some of your financial information? 

b. Did your agency have a cost sheet that you would be willing to share with me so I can have a better understanding of the cost of adoption.

c. Main fun fact is that it costs almost exactly the same to adopt an infant as to give birth

Fun Fact 2

Choose the path that is right for you

When you start the process of having a family there are a lot of questions, concerns, and hoops to jump through. When you are dealing with infertility there are more questions and more hoops. There are so many options when you are combating infertility; types of medical tests, then pursuing assisted reproduction therapies, research, etc. When dealing with adoption it is similar questions about the types of situations that work with your family, etc. All in all, no matter what path you chose it will be one of a lot of decisions so continue to stay focused on what will allow the best environment for your child. THERE IS NO WRONG DECISION when you are deciding how to create your family. Below image is from a blog that discusses facts and various information on adoption. It really has been interesting how many people we have met that have considered adoption. Even though this statistic is small keep in mind every family that is considering adoption also has so many other options and after much debate decides what is best for their future children. Never pass judgement or suggest that one option is better than another, it is all about what works for that specific family. 

Happy Friday/ Saturday now. We are off to rest up for the rest of a fun filled weekend. Please leave comments, questions, suggestions. I am new to blogging, new to adoption, new to parenthood, and I am here to grow just like you. I hope everyone is continuing to enjoy sharing in our story and information. I know I have enjoyed sharing so far. 

Educational Classes

So here is the checklist that we have completed on our adoption thus far

1. Fill out and submit the massive application to our agency. * (Paid an agency fee for processing our application and beginning to distribute our information)  

  

2. Completed our state and FBI fingerprints    

      3. We met with our agency (Family Choice LTD) and our lawyer *(paid a lawyer retainer fee)

      4. And this weekend had our first adoption class...

Jason and I went to Effingham, IL bright and early Saturday morning. We arrived with 3 other couples for our education course. One of the families that attended brought their son. They were recently chosen to be parents and just started the process this summer. They have been selected and received a beautiful baby boy from Safe Haven. 

Safe Haven is a law that took effect around 1999 first in Texas and was known as "Baby Moses" Law. Essentially this means that a mother or father may leave their child in a designated location and there will not be criminal charges as you have chosen a safe location and your child will then become a ward of the state. It also maintains the anonymity of the parents. These locations are typically full time occupied hospitals, police departments, fire houses, etc. This is a great option for those parents that are struggle raising their children and believe that an adoption or foster care plan is best for their child. They are not abandoning their child... they are choosing a safe alternative for them. Our social worker explained that at this time, it is about 50/50 on the amount of the children that are abandoned in unsafe locations verse children/infants where a desired location is used and the safe haven law is enacted. The amount of parents that are not enacting the Safe Haven law is mainly in regards to awareness and education so I thought it appropriate I take a few minutes for a brief education on what I learned today. 

Overall, the class was very interesting. We had a large manual but for the most part our agency discussed the topics and would intermittently have us refer to the manual. The best part of the class (at least in our opinions) was an adoptive family coming in to share their story. The couple had 3 children and later in life (after their sons had grown) felt compelled to pursue adoption. They adopted 2 children, which were both at our class. The 13 year old girl discussed her feelings on adoption, on her parents, her relationship and understanding of her birth family, and other topics. It is such a blessing to see these wonderful families brought together through the will and power of God! Overall, the educational classes are a time for us, as a couple, to interact more with other families in various stages of adoptions; have mentors through other adoptive families; gain more education; and finally allow our agency to spend more intimate contact time with us so they can describe us better to potential birth families. 

Also this weekend, we were able to babysit our niece and nephew for a few hours. This also came as a blessing. One, they are the cutest darn kids and two, it reminded Jason and I how wonderful it is to have kid messes and laughter in our home. Also, they love what we have started working on in the babies room! 

* I included the information on the payments that we made because most people believe that adoption is very expensive. It is true that adoption is an expensive process but people are also concerned that adoptive families are "losing" a lot of money. Good agencies and lawyers protect us from losing money. They collect initial minimal fees to cover their continued phone conversations, meetings with birth parents, processing of paperwork for the state organizations, and counseling us crazy adoptive parents when we call and need a lot of things answered ;) 

Thirsty Thursdays

Happy Thursday! For everyone that read our last post, you know that biggest part of this blog is to educate people on the ups and downs of adoption, infertility, and family life. So, we figured what better way than a few fun facts every Thursday rather than one overwhelming list. One of my (Nicole) patients, a pastor told me that he only discusses one topic per week between church sermon and bible study all cover the same topic because it takes about a week for people to be able to process and incorporate it into their lives. Therefore, I will follow in his footsteps!