Learning How To Believe Through A Failed Adoption

It has taken me a while to be ready to write this blog post. I have started it many times and written down many things for me to include over the last few months but I think I am ready now to share our story (or at least parts of it). 

We received the call on a Saturday morning, Jason had just left for work and I had to call him back home so we could leave for the hospital. We finished throwing stuff in the suitcase and jumped into the truck which I might add had been loaded full of baby stuff for about 2 weeks now. We drove towards the hospital which was 3 hours away. When we got about 5 minutes away, we received a phone call. Our agency was calling to tell us that birth mom has changed her mind and decided to parent. It is the most surreal experience of my life. I remember saying ok, ok, ok. I did not cry or yell. We went and checked into a hotel that my parents helped us locate. We sat around and waited. I think honestly I was in true shock. We never expected this. You may say its always a risk but we were told throughout the entire process that this was a lock and that it was the most sure they had been about an adoption proceeding. I convinced Jason that we needed to go out for dinner get out of the hotel. So, we did leave for a couple hours other than that we spent about 26 hours in a hotel waiting (talk about major back pain). Through other forms of communication, we learned it was time to go home so we left. This was the first time that it hit me. I am not going to hash out the details but when the shock and denial wears off all you have is acceptance and extreme sadness. It was not a good week. I praise God everyday for my husband. Without him making me smile and shower ( I really smelled!) I think I would still be in bed right now. He is truly amazing. I also thank God for the little angel that left Taco Bell, groceries, and other various necessities on our porch knocked and left. The way people respected our silence on this matter was amazing and much appreciated. I know it was a shock for everyone else that had bought into our family's story just as much as it was a shock to us. 

That is most of the details. It has been very hard. It honestly gets harder for me everyday. I still believe that Jason and I are a strong family but these last few years have been harder than I ever imagined. We have received one more call regarding a baby girl but when the birth mother made her final decision she wanted to select a family that would have an older sibling. We are back on the list now and waiting for good news. 

Here is what I know on my good days (please please if you are reading this and have went through or are going through a hard situation know that I definitely do not feel like this all the time. I have very hard days and tough thoughts but I do not want anyone's pity so I do not believe this is the forum to share those)
1. The money we lost paid for a single mother to have a house and reunite with her family. This allowed her the ability to raise her son. I hope and pray that he grows up to do something amazing in this world. If she would have knocked on my door, told me her story, and I could see I would change her life for the better. I would have written the checks all the same. It is just money. You will make more, you can only change people's lives once.
2. The nursery we decorated is for our child. He or she has not been born yet. The nursery is lonely and sad right now but I know our child is coming
3. The name we selected is for our son. Again our son is not born yet so we will maintain the name we have chosen.
4. God chooses a path for all of us. There are a lot of bumps along the way but God gives us all the tools we need for a smooth ride. He has blessed Jason and I with more love in our marriage, more communication, and with true friends and family. 

So, why today??? Here is the second part of this blog post. One year ago on Wednesday, Jason and I went to the doctor and found out that we would not be able to conceive naturally ever. There is a lot of news about self loathing your body but this was not just about being overweight or having cellulite and jiggly in places I wished I could remove. This was a self loathing so deep I wanted a new body. I felt my body was rejecting me, my life plans, even my marriage. You can only carry so much hate in your heart for so long before it destroys you, so I knew that I needed to make a goal. I decided to set something that I did not know if mentally or physically I could complete. I decided to do

a triathlon season. Today, I completed my first modified olympic race. The conditions were grueling (who has 37 degree weather in mid May?) but I did not quit I finished. My body is not rejecting me, it is lifting me up to great things. I have never wanted to quit more than when I was out in the open water swim, could not catch my breath, felt I was drowning, was having a panic attack. But I did not quit, I flipped over on my back I found a new way. That's the same as our story to have a family. I have panic attacks, I forget to breath sometimes, and drown myself in my sorrows but then together Jason and I find a new way. We will get our family, we will finish the race. Today marked a big achievement for me, I did not give up even when I was scared. 
My God grant me the strength to continue this endeavor called life with faith and not fear.