Who are birth mothers?

What a tough topic... I am sure I will not do it justice but after countless conversations with many people I think it is time to address! Jason and I have not been able to meet our birth mother yet. The plan is to meet here sometime in the next month. The relationship with a birth mother whether you meet or not is difficult. This is my true, hard to write and hard to say feelings. The whole aspect of adoption feels like a competition in all the wrong ways sometimes. You want your book to get chosen while at the same time you know this means other friends, wonderful couples that are in the process are not getting chosen. If you think about it too much, it can destroy you. The other part is saying you are the best mother. No mother or father are the best, you are just hopefully the best you can be. It is hard to proceed through adoption and know other people are constantly comparing this family with that family. 
Birth Mothers are amazing women. They are mothers just like I will be a mother. She is not any more or less a "real" mother than I will be. As we have went through the adoption process, I follow adoption blogs as well as birth mother blogs. One of the major blogs getting a lot of attention is Musings of the Lame. This is a blog written from a birth mother prospective. It is a heart wrenching story that she tells. Here is what I have gathered so far about my feelings about who birth mothers are...
1. Courageous... and not because they are making an adoption plan for their child but because they wake up every day and deal with their feelings head on. This is something majority of us we will never have the courage to do.
2. Intelligent. It is such a misconception that education dictates who raises a child. Education comes in multiple different ways. My great grandmother completed I think 3 years of formal education and she was a very intelligent woman. She assisted in raising my mother and she turned out beautifully. Intelligence is dictated by who you are. Never assume a birth mother is not intelligent.  
3. All different ages. People are constantly asking us, Is your birth mother young? I am not sure what they mean. There are birth mother of a variety of ages. Again, age does not dictate who is a birth mother. Everyone has a picture of a 16 year old that had a baby with their high school sweet heart. This is a scenario that can occur but there are a lot of different scenarios, keep your mind open. 
4. Sacred. As adoptive families we need remember and celebrate the scared the relationship with a birth family. Maintain open relationships and lines of communication whenever it is safe for your child. Even though, yeah it is the scariest thing ever for me as an adoptive mother to share the love my life, my son. I know that it is what he deserves. The more the merrier sound cliche but my son having two mothers and two fathers will never change how much he loves us it will only grow his heart larger and teach him how to love more deeply.  
5. Mothers. I hope my son will know his birth family in some aspect. I continue to refer to them as birth family but I truly believe they are as much of a family as we are. It is up to our son to decide his relationship with them but I will support him through whatever he chooses. From now on, I am going to try to refer to Baby W's birth mother as Mother S. The Musings of the Lame has a wonderful article about the pros and cons of the use of the term birth mother. 

I hope this helps give a better view of birth mothers for those people around me. I know it is not politically correct and their are a lot of holes I forgot to fill but I hope that this blog and topic show where I am at right now. I am learning and I hope together we can all learn more about respect for all types of mothers. I will leave you with this final thought that has kept me awake at night on occasion... What has a greater stigma in our society, a woman who has an abortion or a woman that creates an adoption plan for their child? ( this is not a pro life, pro choice debate (I literally have no education or opinion), this is a think about how it feels to be a (birth)mother debate)

Nursery Highlight: Make Room for the Bed!

You know that feeling when you go on a shopping spree or you go junkin' then get home and think "Crap, Where is all this going?" Well, that is how I felt today as I put the crib up, but have no fear we will not be buying a new house; we made the crib fit so our mortgage will stay the same! 
My Grandma Hollingsworth has helped us out tremendelously as we prepare for the baby. First things first,"she said "You need a dishwasher." So for Christmas, she bought Jason and I a dishwasher which will come in handy with all the baby bottles and accessories that will need sanitized. 

We hate doing dishes! 

Then, she decided she would buy him the crib and mattress. I got a great steal at Target on a crib that had been returned (yes it is safe and all the parts are there). 


If any of you know my grandma, what does she say to do with any leftover money rather than return it to her? She says "get whatever else you need". Well, I used the term need a little loosely but... 





 who does not need a jacket with a cape?

 baskets for the bottom of the closet to accumulate junk;)
 of course a book on how to become a beloved owl! 

"Just Say No" but is that the right choice for adoption?

D.A.R.E has been empowering children for years to say no to drugs. Rightfully so, I might add. So, much to my

surprise on our matching sheet there was multiple questions about birth parent drug use both mother and father, as well as drug exposure and drug addiction in infants. Jason and I immediately responded no to all drugs, to alcohol we marked stopped once she was aware of conception, and for tobacco we wrote uses on occasion. I went and met with our lawyer and she began to explain so many things that I was missing. Of course, Jason and I wanted to keep open every door possible but at the same time we want to make sure that we are able to provide an environment safe and appropriate for the infant coming home with us. After talking with the lawyer, I went home and hit the books, the internet, and the phone. I called and spoke with a neonatologist in Indianapolis and spoke with our choice of pediatrician locally. I looked on pubmed and read numerous abstracts regarding drug exposed and drug addicted infants. I decided to list out the basics of what I have learned from the numerous resources. I apologize that I have not linked a lot of the information because honestly I got so deep that I forget where information even originated from. 

Here are some fun facts and resources...

A. The difference between drug exposure and drug addicted is simply the amount of times the infant is exposed to drugs, alcohol, or tobacco in utero. I believe our agency said drug exposed would be 3-5x throughout a duration of a pregnancy, drug addiction is typically 1x per week or more. Either a drug exposed child or drug addicted can go through withdrawal symptoms. Typically, the umbilical cord of a drug exposed child would demonstrate significant less toxicity than a drug addicted infant. 

B.  "Ira Chasnoff, M.D., the nation’s leading researcher of the outcomes of children who were prenatally exposed to drugs, comments that many foster and adoptive parents have gone through long periods with difficult, drug-exposed infants who have eventually become well-adjusted children.

One of the strongest indicators of a positive outcome in children are the child’s caregivers. A recent study by Bergin and McCullough in Infant Mental Health Journal followed babies whose mothers had used substances and babies whose mothers did not use substances. The prenatal drug exposure did not play a role in how the babies attached to their primary caregiver. What did play a role was the nurturing, stimulating and stable environment of the babies. Care giving does make a difference in helping children reach their maximum potential for learning and socializing." Adoption Connection

Reflections at the New Year

 

Anytime I am down in the dumps, Carrie either makes me go workout or write random lists of things. The last list she made me write is still up on my sticky notes and I re read it every time I open my computer. Although having a family has been such a big part of our lives, there has been a lot of other stuff happen in the last two years. So, without further ado...

Topic: List 10 things that you would have never done without taking the job at ISUPTSR 

1. Marked Run a Marathon off my bucket list (Louisville May 2012 Carrie and Candy motivated me to finish the training and mentally get through 26.2 miles) 

2. Join the Terre Haute Tri Team (thank you to Ryan and all the wonderful team members that were so awesome I just could not think of reasons not to be a part of this kick a** group)

3. Become passionate about orthopedics (I was a floater and really thought peds and neuro were my draw, I love orthopedics and promoting activity to my patients on a daily basis)

4. Learned to swim properly (March 2013, also learned how to put on goggles, swim caps, and put my face in the water the whole time)

5. Made new friends (there are so many people I cannot even name all the new people in my life but to each and every one of you; you inspire me on a daily basis and keep me sane)

6. Taught at the college level (thank you to Dr. K for the opportunity, I enjoyed teaching a lot more than I ever imagined)

7. Become more educated (all physical therapists are required to perform continuing education but my job has allowed me to go above and beyond: FMS, SFMA level 1 and 2, Graston, and many more)

8. Added another romantic set up to my resume (thank you knee surgeries sometimes they work out by finding your perfect man! The best things in this world are the unexpected)

9. Stayed living in Crawford County (this past year Jason told me that we could move wherever I wanted but suddenly with my new job, countless friends, being close to family, a blessed home, I just could not see myself living anywhere else. I cannot say it enough how happy I am to be living here. I am eating my words from my younger years but I don't care! Crawford County is a great place and I cannot wait to raise Baby W here)

10. Become a mother. (this may sound crazy but without my job I don't think I would have been on this path and gotten over "defeat" so quickly. Things come into our lives at just the right moments this job gave me not only the confidence to grow into the woman I am today but also surrounded me with people that have amazing birth and adoption stories. I truly cannot believe the amazing stories these men and women have lived and how perfect their families are; it continues to remind me that God is good all the time) 

These are just 10 reasons why the long commute is worth it. I am so lucky to have a supportive husband that deals with my long hours, commuting, helps with chores and cooking, and never complains. I am blessed to be a part of the amazing organization at Indiana State University. GO STATE! I hope I will be there for many years to come and that I can contribute as much to this organization as they have contributed to my life.