When I got married these two lovely women stood by my side, when I was stressed throughout college these two women made me laugh, and when I had a miscarriage they showed up at the hospital even though it was over a 2 hour drive and they both had to work. When I was mean they lovingly dealt with it and then like the great friends they told me when it was time to grow up. (I mean that seriously in the best light). So many of the women in my life were not trying to have a baby and most of them (or so I thought) were not struggling with infertility but still some very special people in my life stepped up, got educated, and have held not only my hand but Jason's too. Now is my time to say thank you. So this post is for all the friends out there that want to be amazing but just have no idea what to say or not to say.
Let's deal with infertility first...
1. Listen and occasional say it sucks! One of my favorite conversations was one where I was bawling my eyes out and my friend replied "you are right this is not fair and it sucks." She really was genuinely mad too. I do not know why but this made me laugh and feel not so alone. I never expected any of my friends to have the answers, I just needed someone to listen, laugh, and then pretend I never had my crazy moment. 2. Remember her on Mother's Day (and him on Father's Day)! These holidays are important to times to just send a text, email, or send a prayer to the Big Man upstairs. It lets your friend know the moment is not lost on you. I got texts simple as "Thinking of you today" and one a little deeper "Celebrating you being a mother in your heart" All of it was sweet. Also if your friend does not reply or acknowledge it does not mean it did not mean the world to her/ him.
3. Never say stop stressing, have more sex, maybe it's not meant to be, or any other negative advice. People have the best hearts but sometimes what comes out of their mouths does not match. I got a lot of "If you did not work so far away it would be less stressful and I bet you would get pregnant" "Just relax" Infertility is a diagnosis that means it has been longer than 12 months without conception. This is not stress related! Other things such as "It must not be meant to be" or comments about God choosing are not helpful. Please just refer to item 1.
Here is some other writings with more input but those are my big ones especially #1.
On to adoption...
1. Listen just like before but now it is time to get educated too. Below are a couple of websites with listings on books to read. I would recommend reading a book on parenting an adopted child (there are differences that cannot be overlooked), a book on the general adoption process, and a book from the prospective of a child that has been adopted.
2. Do not think pregnancy/biology is the end game. Two common occurrences when you are adopting is a. Have you tried IVF, surrogacy, fertility treatments, fill in the blank? and b. I know family Bob down the street that adopted and then got pregnant so maybe that will happen. Adoption is our way of having a family. Not all families pursue adoption because of infertility. Our reason is because of infertility but we also chose to stop our journey where we felt comfortable which was fairly early on. Each family goes on their own journey and this is a private part of the decision. With pregnancy after adoption, studies show that the statistics are the same as parents that are able to become pregnant with or without adoption after struggling with infertility. We appreciate your stories of adoption but these specific types of stories negate that our family that is created through adoption will be a family as deep as blood, DNA, birth, etc.
3. Be happy and excited for the family. Imagine the reaction you have when your best friend or even an acquaintance says "I'm pregnant". Well I am a very giggly and overly excited person so I jump up and down, ask about the due date, gender, etc. Adoptive parents love the same reaction. Most of the time, we do not know the answers to when are you getting a baby. The average adoption takes 24 months. We usually do not know the gender and it is not appropriate to ask about race but what we do know is that we are going to be a family! Yay! So be excited!
Here are some more websites with topics and answers to questions that is more in depth and more eloquent than me.
Information on adoption questions!Information on the adoption and infertility questions!
I really hate telling people what to say but especially what not to say. When you are going through any journey you have to realize again that people are well meaning but sometimes just say the wrong things. I know I have said the wrong things to people. I never thought how offensive it was to ask a couple when are you going to have children until I went through this journey. All in all just support and love the people in your life that are going through this challenge! Here is one of the most amazing things that my two best friends for me. Enjoy another highlight of the nursery.
Alphabet wall for above the crib. They individually painted each letter to match my theme. It was my first baby gift!
My friends are helping me sew curtains, pillows, changing table covers and helped me shop for furniture and fabric for the room. Get involved and show your friends that you love them! Thank you to my great friends (and family) not only the ones featured here but also the others that you will hear about along my journey
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