Through A Best Friend's Eyes

Happy National Adoption Month!! My name is Christina and I have been friends with Jason and Nicole for 11 years.  Nicole has done a great job of educating readers with her blog about the adoption world and doing so in such a positive way. What we do not hear a whole lot about, however, is the ugly side of their story. When I stood beside them on their wedding day and heard them take their vows, I had no idea at the time what the meaning of “for better or worse” would mean. 

Nicole and Jason never hid the fact that they wanted a big family so it did not come as a surprise to me shortly after their wedding that they announced that they were not going to officially try to have a baby but were going to stop using protective measures.  A few months went by and they moved from “not officially trying” to “officially trying.”  I watched them start tracking calendars, change diet habits, etc.  At first I would say things like “oh I am sure birth control is still left in your system or “you guys are too stressed about it.”  There were breakdowns and “go crazy” moments by Nicole.  I am sure everyone reading this can think of a time that there close friend has called and hit rock bottom and feel like nothing will ever be the  better again. The moments that you can eventually laugh about later only but at the time it feels like there is nothing you can do to help.

Fast forward a year, Nicole and Jason were still trying anything and everything to have child.  They decided to try  IUI.  The third round, I received a phone call from Nicole saying that Lukas and I needed to immediately come to their house.  After two years of watching Jason and Nicole be on an emotional rollercoaster, they told us they were pregnant.  This excitement was short lived.  Since Nicole had a diagnosis of infertility, she was deemed to have a high risk pregnancy.  I watched her stress day after day of having to go get blood work drawn to make sure the pregnancy was still progressing normally.  Less than one week after she found out she was pregnant, she received a phone call from the doctor informing her that her blood counts were no longer progressing normally and she would probably experience a miscarriage over the weekend. Wanting to not believe it, I told them that the test results had to be wrong.  As someone looking at her, she looked perfectly well, there is no way she was experiencing a miscarriage.  Two days later, she called to tell me that she was bleeding. The next day, I received a phone call from her that she was in Indy and she was had an ectopic pregnancy and she was going into emergency surgery.  We officially lost the Woodard baby.

 During Nicole’s physical pain (from the surgery) and emotional pain, Jason was amazing.  He would drop anything and everything to do anything for Nicole and it made me realize how strong their marriage was.  They decided that they needed a break from the “trying” part of having a baby and take a few months off and reevaluate what their next step would be.

Adoption.  It never surprised me that this would be their next step.  They had always expressed that they wanted to adopt at some point in their marriage.  Selfishly I wanted them to take the adoption route because I thought it was the safe route and they would experience no additional heart break.  Oh how little I knew about adoption when I thought that…..

I watched them go through the process of filling out paperwork, getting background checks, going to the appropriate classes, create an adoption book, home inspections, etc.….all to even become eligible to be on a list as potential parents.

They say that couples typically wait between 18 and 24 months for a child in the state of Illinois.  The Woodard’s were selected within two months of their adoption book being complete.  To anyone that knows them, this should not surprise you.  They are amazing people and anyone can see that, even by just viewing their book.  I believed the worst was behind us and their baby would be born in a few short months.  I helped Nicole get the nursery ready, planned her baby shower, attended Jason’s diaper party, helped pick out the “going home from the hospital outfit.”  When there were small red flags along the way, I brushed them off and tried to assure them that they were reading too much into the situation.  We celebrated last holidays of them being parentless, last New Year’s without a child, last girls night out with a child, etc.  The day finally came, the baby boy had arrived.  I was so excited that they were finally parents that I planned to meet Mrs. Grimm at their house to deep clean it while they were at the hospital.  I arrived right as they were leaving.  I am not even sure how I can describe the look on their face at this time, it was the happiest expressions I have ever seen on either of their face.  A few hours later, we learned the birth mother had changed her mind and she had decided to parent. It’s the strangest feeling to secretly hope the birth mother changes her mind and gives her child to a complete stranger and that suddenly this baby born would be theirs.  And it’s even stranger to grieve for the loss of a child, a child that I never met and a child that was never meant to be in our lives. It took me a long time to come to terms that this baby belonged to someone else and this is not the end of a journey but a hiccup in the Woodard’s story of adopting a child.  This journey will lead them to the most precious child that will make all this craziness worth it.

Since it is National Adoption month, I finish by sharing the Top 10 Things I Have Learned As Being A Bystander during this process:

1.        There is no safe point in a pregnancy.  Unfortunately, until someone puts your baby in their arm and says they have 10 healthy fingers and toes, there is no guarantee.
2.        There is no right thing or wrong thing to say in this situation.  There have been so many times that I honestly had no clue what to say to Nicole.  I think I tried for so long to always have a positive spin for them but in the end, it’s ok to say nothing.
3.    . Adoption is a very long and difficult process- it is not the safe route as I once thought it was. 
4.        Birth mothers are the strongest individuals out there. 
5.      . You can never fully prepare for comments or questions.  Just when you think you have heard it all, someone will through a curveball and say something very insensitive or inappropriate.  Also the question Nicole and Jason hate being asked the most is why they are not trying more/different fertility treatments.  I know Nicole would never write or say anything but guess this is what you get when you turn your blog over to me.
6.        Adoptive parenting is no different than biological parent.  They are parents like everyone else.  They will someday a high energy three year old who will be screaming in the background as we are trying to have a phone conversation, we will have birthday parties to plan, Bella will miss the days of being the Woodard’s only child when their kid continuously climbs all over her.  Girl’s trips will now be a plus one with a baby sitting next to us playing in the sand on the beach
7. .
8.        Adoption brings people together.  I didn’t realize how many people out there were actually adopted or had adopted a child or in the process of trying to adopt.  So many people have such positive stories and outcomes with adoption that it helps make the light at the end of the tunnel seem so much closer.
9.        The adoption process is very individual.  Some adoptions are closed, some are open.  Some adopt a child as an infant, some adopt through foster care.  Some adopt domestically and some internationally.  People adopt children of all race and color.  Every adoption plan is different and is the decision of the adoptive parents.
10.  9. Adoption is about patience.  I am not referring to the hours of paperwork that the Woodard’s did or the waiting game of home visits or the waiting of return phone calls by the agency.  That was the unfortunately the easy part.  The hard part is patiently waiting and never knowing what to anticipate.  They are waiting to be selected, they are waiting for the birth of the child, they are waiting to hold their child for the first time, they are waiting the 72 hours for the birth mothers final decision, they are waiting the 30 days for the birth father to petition the adoption.   
11.      This baby will be so lucky!!