Addicted to Blogging: A Response to Becoming A Nana

I read Cindy’s post…not just once but several times.  I couldn’t just hit “Like”  (I cannot believe my mother in law is getting so savvy she knows the like button LOL) and I wanted to say more than just “Comment”.   We are the best of friends…we go back a few years and do lots of things together.  We always say that we were friends before our kids ever got together.   We have walked the streets for several years…. so it was during those walks that we cussed and discussed everything that was going on in our lives.   When we received news there was an adoption in the works it was quite the topic of conversation….she spoke of her dreams of being “Nana”, and I’d like to reflect back on the events of that day…….

It started out as just another Saturday.  I had gone to Terre Haute and was just wandering around doing my thing and my phone rings, it was Nicole, “we received the call the baby is on the way and I’m waiting for Jason to get home from work so we can head that way”.  Jason had to be in Indy very early that morning to take a Master Electrician test and then he had planned to go onto work, little did he know the events that would take place that day.

I was so excited, I gathered my belongings and wanted to tell the world.  I remember running into Diane, she was the perfect person to see and tell of our news, Jason always thought the world of her… I think it’s those blackberry pies she made for himJ.  It was joyous news and we were just ecstatic knowing we would get to meet that little bundle very soon.  I continued to wander around on cloud nine doing my own little thing.  A couple hours later I was leaving the mall and I get another phone call…this time it is Jason….”mom, where are you ,why haven’t you been answering your phone?  We’ve been trying to reach you (I have a heck of a time hearing my phone and sometimes it’s a challenge just to answer it) but he proceeded to tell me “there was a problem, she has changed her mind and everything was on hold”.  I was in disbelief but it was something I always knew could possibly happen.  I wasn’t bitter or sad….I think it was more like devastated!  It was like losing a child, but we never held or laid eyes on this baby.  We had no choice but to pick up the pieces and go on with our lives for there was no other option.  I continue to think of that baby for he is one that I pray has a good life and think of what could had been.

You think you are the only one that experiences something like this but come to find out it happens more than you think.  It’s just not a “club” you want to belong to.

While watching my kids and grandkids grow we have become members of other “clubs” diabetes, celiac, anxiety, hemangioma…terms that I’ve learned about the hard way.  Once again, I ask myself “WHY” and try to understand.  I have no answer, but the big guy up above has a plan for us all.  I continue to feel blessed for my family & friends and I’m amazed at how strong Jason & Nicole continue to be.  I think I’ve learned something from them both, Nicole’s posts are so inspiring!   Have faith and continue to believe that someday soon we will be blessed with that bundle of joy for good things happen to good people.

Joyce (grandma)

Through A Best Friend's Eyes

Happy National Adoption Month!! My name is Christina and I have been friends with Jason and Nicole for 11 years.  Nicole has done a great job of educating readers with her blog about the adoption world and doing so in such a positive way. What we do not hear a whole lot about, however, is the ugly side of their story. When I stood beside them on their wedding day and heard them take their vows, I had no idea at the time what the meaning of “for better or worse” would mean. 

Nicole and Jason never hid the fact that they wanted a big family so it did not come as a surprise to me shortly after their wedding that they announced that they were not going to officially try to have a baby but were going to stop using protective measures.  A few months went by and they moved from “not officially trying” to “officially trying.”  I watched them start tracking calendars, change diet habits, etc.  At first I would say things like “oh I am sure birth control is still left in your system or “you guys are too stressed about it.”  There were breakdowns and “go crazy” moments by Nicole.  I am sure everyone reading this can think of a time that there close friend has called and hit rock bottom and feel like nothing will ever be the  better again. The moments that you can eventually laugh about later only but at the time it feels like there is nothing you can do to help.

Fast forward a year, Nicole and Jason were still trying anything and everything to have child.  They decided to try  IUI.  The third round, I received a phone call from Nicole saying that Lukas and I needed to immediately come to their house.  After two years of watching Jason and Nicole be on an emotional rollercoaster, they told us they were pregnant.  This excitement was short lived.  Since Nicole had a diagnosis of infertility, she was deemed to have a high risk pregnancy.  I watched her stress day after day of having to go get blood work drawn to make sure the pregnancy was still progressing normally.  Less than one week after she found out she was pregnant, she received a phone call from the doctor informing her that her blood counts were no longer progressing normally and she would probably experience a miscarriage over the weekend. Wanting to not believe it, I told them that the test results had to be wrong.  As someone looking at her, she looked perfectly well, there is no way she was experiencing a miscarriage.  Two days later, she called to tell me that she was bleeding. The next day, I received a phone call from her that she was in Indy and she was had an ectopic pregnancy and she was going into emergency surgery.  We officially lost the Woodard baby.

 During Nicole’s physical pain (from the surgery) and emotional pain, Jason was amazing.  He would drop anything and everything to do anything for Nicole and it made me realize how strong their marriage was.  They decided that they needed a break from the “trying” part of having a baby and take a few months off and reevaluate what their next step would be.

Adoption.  It never surprised me that this would be their next step.  They had always expressed that they wanted to adopt at some point in their marriage.  Selfishly I wanted them to take the adoption route because I thought it was the safe route and they would experience no additional heart break.  Oh how little I knew about adoption when I thought that…..

I watched them go through the process of filling out paperwork, getting background checks, going to the appropriate classes, create an adoption book, home inspections, etc.….all to even become eligible to be on a list as potential parents.

They say that couples typically wait between 18 and 24 months for a child in the state of Illinois.  The Woodard’s were selected within two months of their adoption book being complete.  To anyone that knows them, this should not surprise you.  They are amazing people and anyone can see that, even by just viewing their book.  I believed the worst was behind us and their baby would be born in a few short months.  I helped Nicole get the nursery ready, planned her baby shower, attended Jason’s diaper party, helped pick out the “going home from the hospital outfit.”  When there were small red flags along the way, I brushed them off and tried to assure them that they were reading too much into the situation.  We celebrated last holidays of them being parentless, last New Year’s without a child, last girls night out with a child, etc.  The day finally came, the baby boy had arrived.  I was so excited that they were finally parents that I planned to meet Mrs. Grimm at their house to deep clean it while they were at the hospital.  I arrived right as they were leaving.  I am not even sure how I can describe the look on their face at this time, it was the happiest expressions I have ever seen on either of their face.  A few hours later, we learned the birth mother had changed her mind and she had decided to parent. It’s the strangest feeling to secretly hope the birth mother changes her mind and gives her child to a complete stranger and that suddenly this baby born would be theirs.  And it’s even stranger to grieve for the loss of a child, a child that I never met and a child that was never meant to be in our lives. It took me a long time to come to terms that this baby belonged to someone else and this is not the end of a journey but a hiccup in the Woodard’s story of adopting a child.  This journey will lead them to the most precious child that will make all this craziness worth it.

Since it is National Adoption month, I finish by sharing the Top 10 Things I Have Learned As Being A Bystander during this process:

1.        There is no safe point in a pregnancy.  Unfortunately, until someone puts your baby in their arm and says they have 10 healthy fingers and toes, there is no guarantee.
2.        There is no right thing or wrong thing to say in this situation.  There have been so many times that I honestly had no clue what to say to Nicole.  I think I tried for so long to always have a positive spin for them but in the end, it’s ok to say nothing.
3.    . Adoption is a very long and difficult process- it is not the safe route as I once thought it was. 
4.        Birth mothers are the strongest individuals out there. 
5.      . You can never fully prepare for comments or questions.  Just when you think you have heard it all, someone will through a curveball and say something very insensitive or inappropriate.  Also the question Nicole and Jason hate being asked the most is why they are not trying more/different fertility treatments.  I know Nicole would never write or say anything but guess this is what you get when you turn your blog over to me.
6.        Adoptive parenting is no different than biological parent.  They are parents like everyone else.  They will someday a high energy three year old who will be screaming in the background as we are trying to have a phone conversation, we will have birthday parties to plan, Bella will miss the days of being the Woodard’s only child when their kid continuously climbs all over her.  Girl’s trips will now be a plus one with a baby sitting next to us playing in the sand on the beach
7. .
8.        Adoption brings people together.  I didn’t realize how many people out there were actually adopted or had adopted a child or in the process of trying to adopt.  So many people have such positive stories and outcomes with adoption that it helps make the light at the end of the tunnel seem so much closer.
9.        The adoption process is very individual.  Some adoptions are closed, some are open.  Some adopt a child as an infant, some adopt through foster care.  Some adopt domestically and some internationally.  People adopt children of all race and color.  Every adoption plan is different and is the decision of the adoptive parents.
10.  9. Adoption is about patience.  I am not referring to the hours of paperwork that the Woodard’s did or the waiting game of home visits or the waiting of return phone calls by the agency.  That was the unfortunately the easy part.  The hard part is patiently waiting and never knowing what to anticipate.  They are waiting to be selected, they are waiting for the birth of the child, they are waiting to hold their child for the first time, they are waiting the 72 hours for the birth mothers final decision, they are waiting the 30 days for the birth father to petition the adoption.   
11.      This baby will be so lucky!!

The Process Of Becoming "Nana"

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day." Henri J.M. Nouwen

God blessed our family with a biological daughter and son and there is no way we could have imagined the many journeys they took us on. We were blessed to never know the feeling of fertility issues and truly only knew of a few friends that had shared their journeys with us. When our daughter and son-in-law began their journey, we trusted them to educate us on whatever we truly needed to know. We chose to be supportive, but allow them the room to navigate the road.

As you all know our kids were chosen over a year ago and we were over the moon excited to be "Nana" and "Papa Grimm." We chose the joy and did not goggle or investigate about the adoption. We looked at it as a blessing and if they were biologically becoming parents we would have never second guessed the process, so why treat this differently. As you know, this adoption failed and we became investigators to find out more about adoptions. We hate to admit that it was a sad time and we (especially me) became not so joyous about adoptions. Nicole and Jason have proven to us what true adoption means. It means you accept what is delivered or not delivered to you; no matter the timing or origin.

Finally, adoption means to me a child gets a family and a husband and wife gets their child. We know from the bottom of our hearts that Jason and Nicole will raise their children with the same values of love and family as they were raised. As grandparents,  all our grandchildren will be loved exactly the same and no matter how hard the adoption process is we will continue to be joyous and hopeful. 

We truly believe we have raised our children to be better persons than we are. We have no idea how this possibly happened but they showed us how not to be bitter and sad, but joyous and trustful of the future.

Adoption: Story through the years by Joyce

“National Adoption Month”, I didn’t even know such an event existed, but it was recently brought to my attention and I was asked if I would share some of my thoughts on the subject.  I was very hesitant – I’m not a writer and not always good at expressing myself – my kids would probably agree….I’m not good at telling jokes, terrible at telling a good story, don’t remember words to songs….I just make them up as I go along and I can’t even do the hokey pokey right…. but yet she (Nicole) wants me to write about adoption!  Where do I begin? What do I share?  Who really even cares?  I don’t know but here goes……….

MY LIFE

I grew up with three older brothers, two older sisters and two cousins.  I was the youngest of EIGHT!!  Not only was our family big, but we were all adopted at birth over a span of 17 years during the 40’s and 50’s to an extraordinary couple.  I’m sure our homecoming could never be compared to the adoption process of today.  My dad was a doctor and one by one we found our way to this wonderful family.  I don’t really know the events that led up to each adoption but I think the 40’s & 50’s were hard times for a lot of families and even more difficult for single mothers.

We were all told at a young age that we were adopted and if at any time we wanted to seek out our birthmother they would help.  When I was young, I don’t ever remember any of my siblings talk about being adopted but then again as I was growing up the older ones were leaving home.  BUT, I would imagine at one time or another we all asked ourselves WHY?  Not just once but several times!   As we grew older and had families of our own some chose to seek out their birthmothers and make a connection, some have a relationship, some found the info they wanted and left it at that, while others had no desire to search.

One thing I’ve learned is that it is not always easy for the birthmother to create an adoption plan.  Everyone’s circumstances are different.  In my situation I did have an older sibling but yet I was the one that was let go.  I think about that and try to understand but I take a breath and say THANK YOU because she had the courage to know it was the best thing for all of us at the time.  It is something to this day she continues to live with.

I hear those dreadful stories on the news of mothers/fathers killing their children because they think that is the only way out.  If only they knew how many families are dying to have a child and there are some that have children and aren’t fit to be a parent.  All I can do is pray for them and hope they have a good life.

In closing, I had the best life ever!!  Some siblings have passed on and some of us aren’t as healthy as we once were.  But one thing is for certain, we were all truly blessed to grow up at Sunnymeade and be part of the Murphy gang.  For all the laughs and heartache that’s happened over the years…Mom & Daddy, we THANK YOU for having such a huge heart and sharing your love with each and every one of us for it was the kind of family that some only dream about...

And to Jason & Nicole……….I continue to support you on this journey thru the good times and bad for I know you too have a huge heart.  

Love you, Mom   

Adoption Is So Famous

"The words adoption, birth mothers [and] orphanages are happy words in our household, and we talk about those subjects all the time," Jolie, 35

Adoption has been around throughout celebrity adoptions and the movies for many years. Different adoptions themes are demonstrated in celebrity magazines, in children and adult movies. I recently shared a status about Closure. It is a new documentary about open adoptions and is being shared in adoption communities. Documentaries and children's films alike continue to raise awareness about adoption and foster care. When I was researching to write this blog post I found a lot of articles talking about various adoption movies and had some strong opinions about the right portrayal of adoption. Some of these articles stated, Kung Fu Panda was a poor representation of adoption. Articles reporting poor understandings of Closure and other documentary films even questioning if they are good to watch. I think continued exposure to adoption from different realms is important. It is important in films as well as conversation to be respectful of someone's history (because that is what you are asking when you want to know how someone was adopted). Everyone's experience with adoption is different and enlightening. Everyone has their own struggles and ease and even things that might not be politically correct but we are all FAMILY. And the joy of FAMILY is we are all a little dysfunctional! (Or at least ours is). Happy National Adoption Month!    

Connie Chung is not only a news anchor, but also a proud adoptive parent.

“Oh no. He’s our son. He was meant to be ours…he was meant to be matched with us. So it’s perfect.” (In response to an interview question if adoption causes her to look at her son differently)

Michael Reagan is not only the son of a U.S. president but also an adopted child.

“My adoption was treated as a celebration.”

Martian Child: David: Sometimes we forget that children have just arrived on the earth. They are a little like aliens, coming into beings as bundles of energy and pure potential, here on some exploratory mission and they are just trying to learn what it means to be human. For some reason Dennis and I reached out into the universe and found each other, Never really know how or why. And discovered that I can love an alien and he can love a creature. And thats weird enough for both of us.

National Adoption Month

The more I dive into the world of adoption the more I learn about adoption and about myself. It is crazy to me that two years ago, I did not know any of the information that I know now. Nor did I realize the amount of advocacy that is important in adoption. There are so many children in foster care that need to be adopted. That is the reason for National Adoption Month. The goal is to bring awareness to 102,000 children that are currently in foster care waiting for forever families. I am sure most of you did not get the oppurunity to read the recent post from Scary Mommy that was highlighted by The R House. The Child I didn't adopt really touched me in ways I still do not fully grasp. There has been a lot of heart ache throughout the adoption process. There is also this new knowledge that I know we have more heartache, joy, struggles, and triumphs to come. I truly do believe that we are called on this journey. I do not know where it will take us and sometimes this road knows how to truly breaks us down. After reading this article and seeing many others about adoption though, the question really comes HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH? 
How much is enough to start your family, how much is enough for a child that needs a forever family, how much money is enough or too much, how much sacrifice is enough? The answer for me right now is that only love is enough and we cannot be scared to share the love we have. The truth is that people will question your decisions, there will be times that you will cry, there will be just as many people that think that you saved a child and expect you are a version of a saint. None of that matters because the child that you bring into your family will make your family perfect, whole, and FOREVER. The love that your child will teach you, that you are capable of will astonish you at every turn. When you look at your son or daughter, you will never question your decision to make a forever family for a child through adoption. The ugly truth is that over 1/3 of Americans have considered adoption but only 2% have actually adopted. 
This year's theme of Adoption Month is Promoting and Supporting Sibling Connections. Studies have shown that keeping siblings together allows for better adjustment and more healthy interactions. Adoption.com is also asking what adoption means to each of us so I will be sharing over the next month what adoption means to me, Jason, our families, and our friends. 

CHEERS TO ADOPTION MONTH AND CELEBRATING THE JOY OF ADOPTION